The love you have for your children goes way beyond any idea of measurement. It is just so infinite that it becomes a part of you. Only now, after becoming a mother, can I understand the love our parents have for us. How heartbreaking must've it been for my mother to hear her teenager daughter scream "I HATE YOU" or how scary must've it been for my father when he called me a billion times at 3 in the morning, only to reach my voice mail? (My parents are going to love that I'm admitting this publicly.)
As I reach for Ziva's chubby little hands, I hope that she will always hold on tight. What do you mean there will be a day when she won't cry when I walk out the door? You mean that she isn't going to giggle when I kiss her or snuggle into my shoulder to fall asleep? At the risk of sounding overbearing and idealistic, I want so badly for her to really truly know how much her Abba and I love her. When I look around at my friends who have always had "healthy" relationships with their parents, even still- it's usually complicated.
I try to be aware of what about my personality is healthy and what needs to be worked on. Just because something is my life goal- doesn't mean it has to be the same for my children. Sometimes I think about hard questions. What if my children wanted to practice Judaism completely different than me? What if they wanted to move to a different country when they grow up? What if they see me for my flaws verses my strengths? Will they be proud of being Jewish and living in Israel? Will they have a connection to G-d and live a spiritual life?
Even though I know that my parents are proud of me in so many ways, I know that I chose a different path than they would've ever expected from me. I mean, my dad's speech at our wedding describes it perfectly, "You always want your daughter to marry a nice, Jewish boy, but be careful what you wish for!" I have to say, that while I appreciate his sense of humor, I also appreciate the fact that he has been supportive of the life that I chose to lead. It can't be easy to see your rebellious teenager turn religious and then become a wife and mother in 5 years. I love that my parents see the good in where we are in life. I love that when my mom is asked to go to a support group for "Parents of Religious Kids" she just remarks, "I have no problem with my daughter being religious, why would I go to that?" I love that my father makes it a point to say Good Shabbos with extra umpf and that he really enjoys my "Jewish cooking."
Growing up, I focused on wishing my parents did things differently. I now see that they have given me so much. I am their baby, just like Ziva is ours. I wonder who Ziva will become...what will her dreams and passions be? I can't wait to see that all unfold. The relationship I have with my own parents has taught me to be open-minded to what SHE wants out of life, not what I want for her. I think it's healthy that I can see that so early on- and that even though some things may be hard to accept, I have my parents as role models to be understanding and loving no matter what.
Ziva's turning one in just a little over a week, and it's so incredible how fast she is growing up. I can't imagine how hard each transition is going to be for us as parents. For goodness sakes, it's hard for me to start weaning her off of breastfeeding! Life is about change, how we will embrace the moments we have and how we will react to the next step. I'm pretty sure that I'll be an emotional wreck, but I know it will all be wonderful.
No comments:
Post a Comment