Seeing the light of Chanukah

Today I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Tuesdays is the one day of the week my husband may be able to sleep an extra hour or two because he works evenings. So I got up with Ziva and sat with her on the couch as she drank her beloved morning milk. I kinda looked away since the distinct smell and taste of goat's milk grosses me out.

All of a sudden, anxiety struck. Literally out of no where. I was bombarded with everything I've been storing subconsciously for safe keeping. I felt nauseous, my chest tightened up.

I'm honestly trying to figure out why I feel this way...even after Yehoshua woke up, he cleaned the dishes, we went out to brunch at the Bagel Place, I even fulfilled my reeses peanut butter cup craving and bought Ziva a dreidel for Chanukah. Breathe Breathe Breathe. Is this something I can blame on my pregnancy once again? Am I dwelling over the fact that my hubby has to work on the first night of Chanukah for the second year in a row? What is going on with me? And the more I think about it, the more anxious I become. Breathe Breathe Breathe.

Rav Nachman says that the biggest tikkun of Chanukah is fixing our eyes, the way we look at things. Since you are not permitted to use the light of the menorah, you are only able to look at it. You shouldn't look at things as, "can I use it or can I not use it it, is it good for me or not?" Sometimes, you should just relish and be overjoyed with the idea of that person or thing merely existing in your life. Shlomo Katz mentioned at his shiur last night a meditation that he found to be amazing called Mindfulness Meditation. It's nothing more than realizing your breath. Life=breathing. Just to exist and to be with G-d.

I wonder if I've been thinking too much about the Torah from last night, which totally spoke to me. Maybe this is what has shook me up a bit. Did you know that some Chassidim will say "Gmar Chatimah Tovah" on Chanukah because when you light Chanukah candles, the prayers which were not answered on Yom Kippur can be answered at that moment? Chanukah is actually the final sealing. That's a little crazy to think about. It's supposed to be a time when we are intimate and personal with G-d, when we spend time with our family and kindle the lights in our homes. It's a time of permanence, of having a place in the world and just being.

So how can I feel intimate and personal with G-d if I don't feel like I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing? Have I repented enough? Am I personal with the people in my life? Do I take care of myself? Do I take care of the people around me? Am I the foundation of my home, am I a light unto the nations? Am I taking my obligations as a Jew, a wife, a mother seriously enough?

I guess when someone tells you- DON'T THINK ABOUT ANY OF THIS! Chanukah is a holiday to just be, and to accept Hashem's love... it just makes me think about it that much more. Am I deserving of a time to "just be?" Have I earned it yet? It really hit me when Shlomo said that he knows a lot of people that live with these eroding thoughts daily. He said, When does confession stop?! It must be something about their t'shuvah that does not allow them to let go of their darkness.

I want to let go of any darkness that I am carrying inside of me, to "open my heart a million miles deep," and to be intimate with G-d. It's clear to me that everything is based on the way you perceive it to be, and maybe since I have no answer- there is that much more potential for holiness to come out of all of this.

It's strange that Erev Chanukah is such an intense time for me this year. I can still smell the latkes frying, sugar cookies baking, and wax melting from my childhood. It was one of those holidays we actually recognized, and it felt good. Like the soul-warming type of good. There was no inner reflection or turmoil- it was all about miracles and family and even some presents. Now that I think of it, since we've been in Eretz Yisrael, while this holiday has always resulted in light and happiness, there has been a bit more work involved. It does make me a little sad that tonight I'll be lighting Chanukah candles, just Ziva and I...we'll definitely play dreidel and sing songs. I bet it will be super cute, and we'll send Abba pictures to his phone. Even though we're home, and I KNOW from the deepest depths of my heart that we are home, how come it feels a little lonely?

Baby!

I haven't really wanted to blog anything for the past three months. Just to be honest. My life seemed a little too all over the place to write anything about it. I completely lacked focus, energy, motivation, social skills. Ladies, what does this sound like to you? You guessed it!

We're expecting baby #2!!! We're both really really excited and so thankful. "No, no, Grandpa...we were planning for this...Yeah, we know it's okay..." Despite all American cultural norms, I'll have two beautiful children at the age of 22, and it wasn't because of a couple nights I didn't remember or a dead-beat boyfriend who isn't going to pay child support. I am in love with the idea that we are so young, and together, we are helping to create little beams of light in this world. It's just so awesome, I feel so fulfilled, so secure, so loved and loving and motherly. I can't wait to wrap that tiny little newborn in my arms and marvel over its' unbelievably sweet features. Such a blessing. Everyday Ziva reminds me what a blessing she is, and what a blessing all children are.

We just went to get an ultrasound, which was a bit late since we were in the U.S. for a month. Apparently, I'm a week later than I thought. Which puts me now at about 26 weeks, and due in mid-March. I should've known from the crazy amount of movement in my womb, that this baby is REAL, but there's nothing like seeing that detailed ultrasound for the first time. "Here's the hand, here's the other hand, here's the feet..." While Shua was trying to calm Ziva down (I guess she didn't like the dark room or the strange woman putting gel all over my belly or a combination of both), I was happy crying. It was such a reality check that we were both no longer able to focus on something so simple as this ultrasound. This isn't our first child, it's our SECOND. Everything we're able to give is different now. So as much as I wish Shua could've sat there to hold my hand, and gasp over every limb that was shown, I smiled at the thought of Ziva becoming a big sister. It's a great feeling.

Pregnancy is not ALL fun, believe me. Most of it isn't fun at all. My first trimester wasn't as bad as my first pregnancy- which had held me captive in our bedroom watching every episode of 24 in just a few days, throwing up everything I ate and asking Shua to brush his teeth four times a day. This time, it was actually pretty GOOD! I thought I was over the worst part, but then my second trimester came, and I was extremely lethargic, achy and nauseous. I'm not sure if it was the traveling to America that really affected me, but for more than half of the trip, I felt completely incapable of functioning normally. I always wonder how pregnant women have full-time careers! This, my friends, can definitely be a full-time job...so if you're doing anything else, you are working over-time. In addition, more so than any other time in my life, I am an emotional roller coaster. One minute- I'm happy and dancing all over the place, the next I'm stressed and can't move from bed, the next I'm cleaning the insignificant details of my kitchen...it's a party every day over here. I'm not afraid to admit that because I've seen other pregnant women, and it seems like they are going through pretty similar things.

So now it's officially blogged. We're having a baby! Be'ezrat Hashem, bli ayin hora...and all that good stuff. Do I even believe in ayin hora?