Today I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Tuesdays is the one day of the week my husband may be able to sleep an extra hour or two because he works evenings. So I got up with Ziva and sat with her on the couch as she drank her beloved morning milk. I kinda looked away since the distinct smell and taste of goat's milk grosses me out.
All of a sudden, anxiety struck. Literally out of no where. I was bombarded with everything I've been storing subconsciously for safe keeping. I felt nauseous, my chest tightened up.
I'm honestly trying to figure out why I feel this way...even after Yehoshua woke up, he cleaned the dishes, we went out to brunch at the Bagel Place, I even fulfilled my reeses peanut butter cup craving and bought Ziva a dreidel for Chanukah. Breathe Breathe Breathe. Is this something I can blame on my pregnancy once again? Am I dwelling over the fact that my hubby has to work on the first night of Chanukah for the second year in a row? What is going on with me? And the more I think about it, the more anxious I become. Breathe Breathe Breathe.
Rav Nachman says that the biggest tikkun of Chanukah is fixing our eyes, the way we look at things. Since you are not permitted to use the light of the menorah, you are only able to look at it. You shouldn't look at things as, "can I use it or can I not use it it, is it good for me or not?" Sometimes, you should just relish and be overjoyed with the idea of that person or thing merely existing in your life. Shlomo Katz mentioned at his shiur last night a meditation that he found to be amazing called Mindfulness Meditation. It's nothing more than realizing your breath. Life=breathing. Just to exist and to be with G-d.
I wonder if I've been thinking too much about the Torah from last night, which totally spoke to me. Maybe this is what has shook me up a bit. Did you know that some Chassidim will say "Gmar Chatimah Tovah" on Chanukah because when you light Chanukah candles, the prayers which were not answered on Yom Kippur can be answered at that moment? Chanukah is actually the final sealing. That's a little crazy to think about. It's supposed to be a time when we are intimate and personal with G-d, when we spend time with our family and kindle the lights in our homes. It's a time of permanence, of having a place in the world and just being.
So how can I feel intimate and personal with G-d if I don't feel like I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing? Have I repented enough? Am I personal with the people in my life? Do I take care of myself? Do I take care of the people around me? Am I the foundation of my home, am I a light unto the nations? Am I taking my obligations as a Jew, a wife, a mother seriously enough?
I guess when someone tells you- DON'T THINK ABOUT ANY OF THIS! Chanukah is a holiday to just be, and to accept Hashem's love... it just makes me think about it that much more. Am I deserving of a time to "just be?" Have I earned it yet? It really hit me when Shlomo said that he knows a lot of people that live with these eroding thoughts daily. He said, When does confession stop?! It must be something about their t'shuvah that does not allow them to let go of their darkness.
I want to let go of any darkness that I am carrying inside of me, to "open my heart a million miles deep," and to be intimate with G-d. It's clear to me that everything is based on the way you perceive it to be, and maybe since I have no answer- there is that much more potential for holiness to come out of all of this.
It's strange that Erev Chanukah is such an intense time for me this year. I can still smell the latkes frying, sugar cookies baking, and wax melting from my childhood. It was one of those holidays we actually recognized, and it felt good. Like the soul-warming type of good. There was no inner reflection or turmoil- it was all about miracles and family and even some presents. Now that I think of it, since we've been in Eretz Yisrael, while this holiday has always resulted in light and happiness, there has been a bit more work involved. It does make me a little sad that tonight I'll be lighting Chanukah candles, just Ziva and I...we'll definitely play dreidel and sing songs. I bet it will be super cute, and we'll send Abba pictures to his phone. Even though we're home, and I KNOW from the deepest depths of my heart that we are home, how come it feels a little lonely?
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