Seeing the light of Chanukah

Today I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Tuesdays is the one day of the week my husband may be able to sleep an extra hour or two because he works evenings. So I got up with Ziva and sat with her on the couch as she drank her beloved morning milk. I kinda looked away since the distinct smell and taste of goat's milk grosses me out.

All of a sudden, anxiety struck. Literally out of no where. I was bombarded with everything I've been storing subconsciously for safe keeping. I felt nauseous, my chest tightened up.

I'm honestly trying to figure out why I feel this way...even after Yehoshua woke up, he cleaned the dishes, we went out to brunch at the Bagel Place, I even fulfilled my reeses peanut butter cup craving and bought Ziva a dreidel for Chanukah. Breathe Breathe Breathe. Is this something I can blame on my pregnancy once again? Am I dwelling over the fact that my hubby has to work on the first night of Chanukah for the second year in a row? What is going on with me? And the more I think about it, the more anxious I become. Breathe Breathe Breathe.

Rav Nachman says that the biggest tikkun of Chanukah is fixing our eyes, the way we look at things. Since you are not permitted to use the light of the menorah, you are only able to look at it. You shouldn't look at things as, "can I use it or can I not use it it, is it good for me or not?" Sometimes, you should just relish and be overjoyed with the idea of that person or thing merely existing in your life. Shlomo Katz mentioned at his shiur last night a meditation that he found to be amazing called Mindfulness Meditation. It's nothing more than realizing your breath. Life=breathing. Just to exist and to be with G-d.

I wonder if I've been thinking too much about the Torah from last night, which totally spoke to me. Maybe this is what has shook me up a bit. Did you know that some Chassidim will say "Gmar Chatimah Tovah" on Chanukah because when you light Chanukah candles, the prayers which were not answered on Yom Kippur can be answered at that moment? Chanukah is actually the final sealing. That's a little crazy to think about. It's supposed to be a time when we are intimate and personal with G-d, when we spend time with our family and kindle the lights in our homes. It's a time of permanence, of having a place in the world and just being.

So how can I feel intimate and personal with G-d if I don't feel like I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing? Have I repented enough? Am I personal with the people in my life? Do I take care of myself? Do I take care of the people around me? Am I the foundation of my home, am I a light unto the nations? Am I taking my obligations as a Jew, a wife, a mother seriously enough?

I guess when someone tells you- DON'T THINK ABOUT ANY OF THIS! Chanukah is a holiday to just be, and to accept Hashem's love... it just makes me think about it that much more. Am I deserving of a time to "just be?" Have I earned it yet? It really hit me when Shlomo said that he knows a lot of people that live with these eroding thoughts daily. He said, When does confession stop?! It must be something about their t'shuvah that does not allow them to let go of their darkness.

I want to let go of any darkness that I am carrying inside of me, to "open my heart a million miles deep," and to be intimate with G-d. It's clear to me that everything is based on the way you perceive it to be, and maybe since I have no answer- there is that much more potential for holiness to come out of all of this.

It's strange that Erev Chanukah is such an intense time for me this year. I can still smell the latkes frying, sugar cookies baking, and wax melting from my childhood. It was one of those holidays we actually recognized, and it felt good. Like the soul-warming type of good. There was no inner reflection or turmoil- it was all about miracles and family and even some presents. Now that I think of it, since we've been in Eretz Yisrael, while this holiday has always resulted in light and happiness, there has been a bit more work involved. It does make me a little sad that tonight I'll be lighting Chanukah candles, just Ziva and I...we'll definitely play dreidel and sing songs. I bet it will be super cute, and we'll send Abba pictures to his phone. Even though we're home, and I KNOW from the deepest depths of my heart that we are home, how come it feels a little lonely?

Baby!

I haven't really wanted to blog anything for the past three months. Just to be honest. My life seemed a little too all over the place to write anything about it. I completely lacked focus, energy, motivation, social skills. Ladies, what does this sound like to you? You guessed it!

We're expecting baby #2!!! We're both really really excited and so thankful. "No, no, Grandpa...we were planning for this...Yeah, we know it's okay..." Despite all American cultural norms, I'll have two beautiful children at the age of 22, and it wasn't because of a couple nights I didn't remember or a dead-beat boyfriend who isn't going to pay child support. I am in love with the idea that we are so young, and together, we are helping to create little beams of light in this world. It's just so awesome, I feel so fulfilled, so secure, so loved and loving and motherly. I can't wait to wrap that tiny little newborn in my arms and marvel over its' unbelievably sweet features. Such a blessing. Everyday Ziva reminds me what a blessing she is, and what a blessing all children are.

We just went to get an ultrasound, which was a bit late since we were in the U.S. for a month. Apparently, I'm a week later than I thought. Which puts me now at about 26 weeks, and due in mid-March. I should've known from the crazy amount of movement in my womb, that this baby is REAL, but there's nothing like seeing that detailed ultrasound for the first time. "Here's the hand, here's the other hand, here's the feet..." While Shua was trying to calm Ziva down (I guess she didn't like the dark room or the strange woman putting gel all over my belly or a combination of both), I was happy crying. It was such a reality check that we were both no longer able to focus on something so simple as this ultrasound. This isn't our first child, it's our SECOND. Everything we're able to give is different now. So as much as I wish Shua could've sat there to hold my hand, and gasp over every limb that was shown, I smiled at the thought of Ziva becoming a big sister. It's a great feeling.

Pregnancy is not ALL fun, believe me. Most of it isn't fun at all. My first trimester wasn't as bad as my first pregnancy- which had held me captive in our bedroom watching every episode of 24 in just a few days, throwing up everything I ate and asking Shua to brush his teeth four times a day. This time, it was actually pretty GOOD! I thought I was over the worst part, but then my second trimester came, and I was extremely lethargic, achy and nauseous. I'm not sure if it was the traveling to America that really affected me, but for more than half of the trip, I felt completely incapable of functioning normally. I always wonder how pregnant women have full-time careers! This, my friends, can definitely be a full-time job...so if you're doing anything else, you are working over-time. In addition, more so than any other time in my life, I am an emotional roller coaster. One minute- I'm happy and dancing all over the place, the next I'm stressed and can't move from bed, the next I'm cleaning the insignificant details of my kitchen...it's a party every day over here. I'm not afraid to admit that because I've seen other pregnant women, and it seems like they are going through pretty similar things.

So now it's officially blogged. We're having a baby! Be'ezrat Hashem, bli ayin hora...and all that good stuff. Do I even believe in ayin hora?

Finding balance

I can't believe the summer is nearing an end- or I guess if I was in Minnesota, it would already be ended! It's been a good summer, but it has hardly felt like the vacation that we all look forward to when we're young. It's regular life, waking up at 7 in the morning and doing the motherly routine until 8 at night. I've been realizing how challenging it is to be a stay at home mother for an enthusiastic, curious, ever-changing toddler. One of the best things about being home with her is that I am able to see and appreciate every aspect of her blossoming personality and developments. So many times, Shua says, "Amazing, look at what Ziva can do!" and I go "Yeah, I know, she's been doing that for a couple days now." It's a comforting feeling to be that person for her.

Not to take away from the fact that it can be SUPER challenging at times. From sunlight to sunset, to be the one that is solely responsible for their learning, stimulation, meals, snacks, diapers, baths, appointments, play dates, exercise...along with housework on top of housework, can take a lot from you physically and emotionally. (Of course I'm not the only parent, my husband is incredibly helpful but he is at work at least 10 hours a day.) I think that for some mothers it is easier than for others. I'm not afraid to admit that sometimes it's hard for me, and I'll be daydreaming about full body massages and laying on the beach with a glass of wine in hand.

Some people laugh at this "What do you mean? You only have one kid! Just wait..." and other people say that the first child is always the hardest to adjust to. I'm just going to go with the flow, do my best and see how it goes. When it comes down it, there is no greater joy in being a parent, I just know it. Most of the day, my heart feels so full that I'm bursting with love. It's worth it beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Sunday was her first day of daycare. We decided to send her two mornings a week- to give her a new environment, other babes to play with and also time for me to get things accomplished. It's really wonderful because it's a small group of kids, so they get the attention they need. I'm hoping that it will be great place for her to learn and grow beyond what I can give her. I wasn't with her for the day, but she didn't cry at all when I left and when I came back she greeted me with tired, open arms. I'll take that as a good sign!

It was a little weird not having her in my care- I've only left her a few times since she's been born! As weird as it felt, it also felt amazing to have my space. I did some light housework, relaxed, visited a friend and even ate normally. I was so giddy, I felt like a teenager again as I picked up candy from the grocery store on the way home. My friend, Chaya, told me that I was like a different person! I could relax knowing that Ziva was in good hands, and JUST across the street from where we live. I now totally understand how important it is for mothers to take personal time- for sanity and to take care of ourselves. I'm only 22 years old, and I'm not about to let myself to become stressed and frumpy. For my husband, my baby and FOR ME.

I'm excited for this coming year, especially with my new-found appreciation for a healthy balance.

Ask (3 times) and you shall receive

Today I went to the mall with Ziva and my friend, Chany. I was super excited because there was a crazy sale at H&M...up to 70% off.

I learned a few things today.
1. I can't bring Ziva to the mall anymore- It was miserable for her except for the few moments of absolute elation- when I let her walk around and pretend she was totally independent (I love her wobble- she's really walking now!), when she very happily drank half of my smoothie and when we sat down for an enormous salad of everything you could imagine. Oh, and of course when she grabbed her favorite clothing off the shelves.
2. H&M in Israel has this weird European style OR my fashion sense is going completely out the window.
3. Shilav gives you a generous 14-day window to return anything, and well... I should have known that. (Story below)

I've been having a hard time buying baby clothes in Israel- actually any clothes for that matter. Most of the time, it's really cheap material, very expensive and it's hard to find the styles that I like and are comfortable. There are definitely exceptions (like the Renuar jean skirt I'm wearing now), but generally it's been tough. Yehoshua's work gave him a gift certificate to Shilav when Ziva was born, so I thought that I would just stock up on toys and maybe some necessities. When I went there, I saw this little jean jumper with a red, white and blue tank top attached, and I actually thought it was pretty cute. It was overpriced- like 130 NIS or something like that. It never fit Ziva. It was larger than her actual size but I think that it wasn't cut for her body type. (or maybe her Huggies diaper tush)

I bought it in April, and came back today to return it. Granted, it was a good amount of time later... may have been cutting it close to even the Target 90-day return policy. I didn't even think about that though! I saw the same line of clothing in the store, and since I still had the tags on the outfit and it was in perfect, new condition- I went to pick out what I wanted to exchange it for. I found super cute pink crib sheets and a blanket with a cupcake on it, and a ridiculously expensive bib ...getting Ziva a bib was long past due.

I came up to the register with a tired and kvetchy Ziva. The cashier was actually really sweet- he didn't scoff at my lack of Hebrew and honestly looked sad when he said, "But you bought this in April, I don't think you can exchange it," as he ran back to ask the manager if he could make an exception. He came back and sad "No, she won't allow it." I say, "Is there anything you could do?" So he brought me back to talk to her myself. She didn't even come out to me, I had to go to the warehouse/office area of the store.

Then this softly spoken Israeli with an amazing American accent succeeded in making me feel like crap. How could she look at Ziva's cute face and be so mean? She pretty much told me off with comments like "What were you thinking?" "WHY would you bring it back so late?" "We don't have to tell you our policy it's written right here on the tag." "I don't have to do anything for you." Blah blah blah. It sounds nicer than it felt. She decided to let me exchange it but only for clothing. I asked her why, since I had already chosen out what I wanted and would be spending at least 100 NIS over the outfit I was returning. "It makes a difference to me as a manager." Okay?

So I walk out to the clothing section...buy one get the second 1/2 off. Not bad. I thought maybe I'd get something for Ziva and something for the newborn baby boy upstairs. As I looked at the clothing, I felt tears coming to my eyes. Oh man, stop Rebecca...don't make this emotional! I literally held back from crying! Between the woman being so mean to me and the stitching I saw already coming off the 140 NIS dress, I was so upset. I also knew that I'd probably have to put the bedding back on the shelf, and I already had fallen in love with it. Be Israeli, be Israeli...go back...ask again... is there any chance she'd change her mind?

This time, she comes out to the floor. I wasn't Israeli at all. I didn't want to be rude back to her because I didn't think that would get me anywhere. I just wanted to be honest, and feed her ego a bit. "Listen, I really really appreciate that you are letting me exchange this outfit for full credit, but I honestly can't find any clothing I like. I found this bedding and bib, which my daughter really needs, and I will be spending more here if I buy this instead of just exchanging it for clothing." She babbled on about the policy and said that "in the future, I need to return it within 14 days..." annnnnnd "okay........finnnnee... I'll let you do it this time." I was SHOCKED! I hardly ever do things like that, and I can't believe I got what I wanted in the end.

I don't know what the moral is, but Target is awesome. I'm glad that I live in Israel, and something as simple as Target can be a novelty.

Life is simple?

There is something so awesome about simplicity. The other day, Yehoshua and I were going through e-mails we wrote to each other while we were dating, and I was shocked by how much I've changed in these past few years. The banter was silly, sweet, profound but the thing that stood out to me most was how free-spirited we were. The truth is that we were able to be carefree because we literally didn't have any responsibilities outside of ourselves. It was a nice feeling, I remember it clearly. Especially living in Tsfat, we were in our own world. A spiritual world that only spanned a couple miles yet reached far into our souls. I remember having so many remarkable epiphanies about my own life and life in general, about G-d, about relationships, about complicated things that turned out to actually be simple. It was nice being able to wake up and daven Shacharit on the roof that overlooked Meron with birds chirping and the mountain breeze dancing through my hair. It really was as dreamy as I am describing it. It was nice that my biggest worry was hardly a worry at all, and that anything I wanted was at my fingertips. On top of it all, we were head over heals in love- the kind of love that makes everything you eat taste better, puts a smile on your face as you drift off to sleep and makes your heart jump at the thought of each other. Everything is illuminated when you experience love in the purest form.

So we got married, and we didn't worry about anything. Love can conquer all, and even after everything we have gone through, I still believe that. I will always believe that. Who needs food when love can feed your soul? Okay okay, maybe I would have said that when we were in Tsfat, but now I would give that same girl a reality check. With marriage, comes responsibilities- bills, cooking, cleaning, more bills, big life decisions, moving, more bills, careers... and when your bundle of joy arrives, expect those responsibilities to triple. Between trying to make money, taking care of every physical and emotional need of a little baby and running a household- where is the time to connect? When can you think? When can you philosphise about life, lie in a park staring at the clouds, read a book in bed on a random morning or sit happily in captivating silence?

Shabbat gives us a taste of that kind of simplicity, a rare opportunity to leave our physicality a bit and connect with real people instead of computer screens and the stop the work that comes with our every day life. As parents, our responsibilities don't stop just because it's Shabbat, and we're lucky to get in our afternoon nap... between hosting guests, entertaining our kids, changing diapers, making sure they eat enough, sleep enough, interact nicely with their friends, etc. How can we truly appreciate the moment that were in and not worry about anything else but that moment? Like when Ziva giggles or dances, the feeling is amazing, I'm on top of the world- yet a second later, I'm thinking about the dishes in the sink, the phone calls I have to make, the appointments I've been putting off, how are we going to afford this or that, etc.

Although a carefree life is appealing, there is an underlying sadness to it. With no one to care for, life is lonely, way too easy and unrewarding. I wouldn't change my life for anything because I can't tell what kind of joy I have been blessed with. During my seminary year, I read the book the Garden of Emuna, Emuna meaning faith in G-d. It explains, with practical examples, how our faith in G-d can lead us to living an enriching and happy life. It sounds a little extreme, but without some form of Emuna, that kind of life is not possible. I have to remind myself that everything is for a reason, everything we need will come in due time, we're being taken care of and watched over, we can connect to G-d and we can influence our destiny. Contrary to popular belief, having faith in G-d is not the easy way out. In many ways, it's really very challenging to always see G-d in every situation, especially the hard ones.

I don't want to have to stop and smell the roses-I want to always smell them! I want life to be simple! I want to be eternally happy and stress-free... I wish we could hold hands and skip along a dirt path, smile with flirtatious glances and stop in the middle of the street just to dance or sing or be silly together.

I would love to hear ways that you all incorporate simplicity into our crazy lives. Where do you go and what do you do to attain your personal bliss?

Unconditional Love

The love you have for your children goes way beyond any idea of measurement. It is just so infinite that it becomes a part of you. Only now, after becoming a mother, can I understand the love our parents have for us. How heartbreaking must've it been for my mother to hear her teenager daughter scream "I HATE YOU" or how scary must've it been for my father when he called me a billion times at 3 in the morning, only to reach my voice mail? (My parents are going to love that I'm admitting this publicly.)

As I reach for Ziva's chubby little hands, I hope that she will always hold on tight. What do you mean there will be a day when she won't cry when I walk out the door? You mean that she isn't going to giggle when I kiss her or snuggle into my shoulder to fall asleep? At the risk of sounding overbearing and idealistic, I want so badly for her to really truly know how much her Abba and I love her. When I look around at my friends who have always had "healthy" relationships with their parents, even still- it's usually complicated.

I try to be aware of what about my personality is healthy and what needs to be worked on. Just because something is my life goal- doesn't mean it has to be the same for my children. Sometimes I think about hard questions. What if my children wanted to practice Judaism completely different than me? What if they wanted to move to a different country when they grow up? What if they see me for my flaws verses my strengths? Will they be proud of being Jewish and living in Israel? Will they have a connection to G-d and live a spiritual life?

Even though I know that my parents are proud of me in so many ways, I know that I chose a different path than they would've ever expected from me. I mean, my dad's speech at our wedding describes it perfectly, "You always want your daughter to marry a nice, Jewish boy, but be careful what you wish for!" I have to say, that while I appreciate his sense of humor, I also appreciate the fact that he has been supportive of the life that I chose to lead. It can't be easy to see your rebellious teenager turn religious and then become a wife and mother in 5 years. I love that my parents see the good in where we are in life. I love that when my mom is asked to go to a support group for "Parents of Religious Kids" she just remarks, "I have no problem with my daughter being religious, why would I go to that?" I love that my father makes it a point to say Good Shabbos with extra umpf and that he really enjoys my "Jewish cooking."

Growing up, I focused on wishing my parents did things differently. I now see that they have given me so much. I am their baby, just like Ziva is ours. I wonder who Ziva will become...what will her dreams and passions be? I can't wait to see that all unfold. The relationship I have with my own parents has taught me to be open-minded to what SHE wants out of life, not what I want for her. I think it's healthy that I can see that so early on- and that even though some things may be hard to accept, I have my parents as role models to be understanding and loving no matter what.

Ziva's turning one in just a little over a week, and it's so incredible how fast she is growing up. I can't imagine how hard each transition is going to be for us as parents. For goodness sakes, it's hard for me to start weaning her off of breastfeeding! Life is about change, how we will embrace the moments we have and how we will react to the next step. I'm pretty sure that I'll be an emotional wreck, but I know it will all be wonderful.

Our little Sephardi baby

I've taken comfort in the fact that a baby doesn't need any other nutrition but breast milk for the first year of their life. Truth be told, I was starting to feel discouraged because Ziva wasn't really eating any solids. (It's funny that my family honestly wanted her to eat steak at 4 months old!) We started giving her tastings of different fruits and vegetables when she was about 5 1/2- 6 months old. Though, we were lucky if she would eat half a jar of mashed fruit or some vegetables from our soup up until she was 9 months old. I really believe that it's not healthy to force anything in terms of milestones we'd like our children to achieve (every baby in their own time). So through my frustration, I smiled and laughed with her and definitely didn't feed her more if she started fussing too much.

Since Ziva wasn't really enjoying baby food most of the time, we started to give her food from our plate, and we realized she liked it much more! Seasonings... yum... And yes, I googled it. Apparently you're not supposed to add seasonings to their food until 12 months. I also have friends who would never give their baby food from a can, anything with preservatives, white flour, etc. I have come to peace with the idea that as long as it's fairly healthy, I know her body will be able to process the food well and it will help her along the road to eating full meals. Some things I do that are not so widely accepted: adding a little bit of salt and pepper to her scrambled eggs, a dash of cinnamon and sugar on her cooked apple, giving her vegetables from a dairy dish, tuna from a can, multi-grain cherrios... you get the idea.

I would never think of giving her "junk food." Okay, I take that back. We've wanted to give her ice cream for the longest time! We just enjoy it so much, we want to share it with her! Don't worry, we've resisted. I do kind of find it interesting that so many people in Israel give their baby Bamba. To me, that feels like junk food, PLUS I haven't given her any peanut butter yet as a precaution against the dangerous peanut allergy. As you can see, I'm not really one to judge. It makes me feel a little better that I know children have survived on much unhealthier food.

Lately she's been eating AND enjoying- scrambled eggs, carrots, sweet potatoes, tuna, crackers, challah, pasta, cherrios (Ziva loves carbs! Who doesn't?), tofu, salmon, brocolli, apples, pears, avocados, chummus, chicken and more! Something that really helped her start eating more was putting the pieces of food on her tray and letting her pick them up by herself. She liked the independence of it all. In the end, I guess it's better since I won't be spoon-feeding her for the rest of her life. Sometimes I'd like for her to just stay my sweet little baby, but I see this as my first parenting lesson of letting go! Meal time has become such an adventure for her, and I love to see her enjoying food in a similar way as we do. She honestly won't eat anything that resembles baby food. A couple weeks ago she touched a very ripe banana and got this disgusted look on her face! I think she didn't like the slimy texture. Yehoshua calls her our little Sephardi baby since she won't eat anything that's too plain. It's so amazing to see her personality and opinions unfold before us.

Murder of the Fogel Family

My body has literally been in pain since Saturday night when I heard about the horrific murder of 5 members of the Fogel family. I feel a loss in my heart that I've never felt before and an anger that I don't know will ever cease. This family very well could have been my neighbors, best friends or relatives. As far away as these people may feel to the rest of the world, they feel that much closer to me. Not only do we live in Israel, we also live in what is called the west bank.

The disgusting Arab terrorists who call themselves "Fatah Freedom Fighters" stabbed and slashed the throats of a a couple living in Itamar, Israel, along with three out of six of their young children- including a 3 MONTH OLD BABY IN HER SLEEP. How could anyone possibly kill a innocent, sweet baby? It makes me so sad, I've been crying every day. It makes me so mad, I want to scream. Being a mother, I look at my own baby and squeeze her a little tighter. I see the purity in her eyes and think of those children who deserved to live.

If you haven't already read, here is an excerpt from Israel National News,
"Between 22:20 and 22:30 the terrorists entered the house through the living room picture window, did not notice the 6-year-old boy sleeping on the couch and continued on to the bedroom where they slashed the throats of the father and newborn baby who were sleeping there. The mother came out of the bathroom and was stabbed on its threshold. The evidence shows that she tried to fight the terrorists.

They then slashed the throat of the 11-year old-son who was reading in bed. They did not notice the 2-year old asleep in his bed, but murdered the 3-year old with two stabs to his heart. After that, they locked the door, exited through the window and escaped."

See full story here

The 12 year old, who survived, came home to find her murdered family. I keep thinking about her reaction, that her heart must have flown from her body. How will she ever get past this? The three living children will never feel the warmth of their parents' arms wrapped around them. I can't imagine living with that kind of fear and deep sadness.

I keep reading news articles. Even though it hurts me so much, a part of me wants to feel it more-- as much as their living family members who shouldn't have to endure such pain. Even still, I've been trying to avoid the graphic pictures that the family allowed the press to release, although I did gaze over them. I shudder at the evil. As I browse online, there is a flow of Arabic conversation right outside my window. I can't help but wish people didn't employ Arabs in our very own community. I just heard them laughing- I wonder what they are laughing about. You never know who is good and who is not. The Fogels had just gone to bed after their Shabbat evening and they were murdered in their sleep. Something they never saw coming, no one ever sees these things coming.

I finally know what it's like to feel truly a part of this country. We exist with many tragedies, yet we rejoice in the miracles and EVERYTHING binds us together as brothers and sisters. I can't even relate with my family or friends back home about what happened. To them, it is a heart-breaking story and to me, it is so real- I feel it in every part of my being. I don't expect this to make headlines or for the world to feel compassion for us. It has never been that way for the Jewish people, and we've survived- basically.

So how should we respond to this? By building more Jewish homes. Yes! Shove it, Obama. By having more Jewish babies. Doing everything we can to move forward and be a splinter of light in this crazy world. There is no upbeat message in this, I'm sorry to say that I still feel like crying. I still feel like my life is upside down, and I'm living in a daze. I couldn't even answer the door tonight, I'm still in after-shock, and I'm admittedly a little scared. All I know is that I do not want peace with people who kill our precious babies. There are no excuses for this kind of violence, for this kind of hatred. THINK ABOUT IT! It has to be more than just, "we want your land." If you can slit the throat of a 3-month old, it's not about land, it's about hatred, it's about wanting Jews DEAD no matter where we are.

My prayers are with the Fogels- Udi, Ruth, Yoav (11 yrs), Elad (4 yrs), Hadas (3 months) who were murdered Kiddush Hashem (sanctifying G-d's name). All I see are your brilliant smiles, even from the pictures- your souls radiated. Your impression on my life will be everlasting, and I know you are all in a high and holy place. My heart is with the rest of your living family and the Jewish people. May we all find comfort in G-d and each other. May we let the love in our hearts prevail.

Dearest neighbors,

Dearest neighbors,

Thank you for being SO welcoming and sweet! We can't believe that we have not been alone for even ONE Shabbat meal since we've gotten here. Not only that, but thank you for the multiple car rides, helping us bring our oven and dryer to the new apartment, a space heater, baby acamol, picking up diapers, bringing over wine, brownies and full-on meals while we were unpacking, calling to make sure everything is going well and overall, just being awesome. We are endlessly thankful, and hope to be just as good neighbors for all of you.

Sincerely, Yehoshua, Rebecca and Ziva Sigala

That pretty much sums up how we feel about living in Efrat. We are really happy here, we couldn't ask for anything more... except, well...maybe not having to pay our 3,200 nis arnona bill for the past year in our Jerusalem apartment. (Which really has nothing to do with Efrat, I just need to vent a little...) It's really ridiculous, in my opinion- and they don't let you pay in payments. It's a really big blow right now, especially with all of the furniture we still need to buy for our new apartment. It's one thing to live out of your suitcases with a mattress on the floor when you are newlyweds, but with a baby, it's proving to be pretty difficult. I'm trying my best to focus on what's good, because THANK G-D, there is so much good right now. When you live in Israel, you know there are sacrifices~ you can't always have spirituality and physicality in abundance at the same time. While we are striving for a healthy balance of both, I guess it's only natural that there is a little bit of struggling involved. Today, for instance, would've been a really convenient time to own a car. We just ran out of diapers, Ziva was crying because her 3rd tooth is coming in, Shua was about to run to catch the bus to work, I was supposed to meet my friend Leah up the hill and it was POURING RAIN! Here I am, stuck in my apartment....Ziva fell asleep with a "cloth diaper" on (I made it out of burping cloths). Those are the times it gets discouraging, and I start to think of how nice it would be to feel comfortable financially. Most people in America wouldn't dream of talking about such things with their friends, let alone on a public blog--- but hey, I'm Israeli now, and I've found that when I'm more open and honest with people, I feel much more true to myself.

I'm trying to focus on the simple pleasures in life, and it really gives me a sense of serenity and a consciousness that Hashem will take care of everything for us.

Things I'm loving right now-
baking challah, making my daughter laugh, getting kisses from her, listening to the beautiful piano playing from upstairs, hot coffee, staying cozy inside while it's raining!

... I know that I always end my posts with a happy note. Sorry if it's annoyingly optimistic, but it's really how I feel after it's all said and done!

The rain can't stop me!

It's been raining here, and although we're so thankful for the rain, I can't help but long for summer. I can imagine Ziva enjoying the beautiful playgrounds, taking long evening walks, having BBQs with friends... ahhh...

I'm also in super woman mode (it would be nice if the weather matched my enthusiasm)- I want to decorate our home, work on Ziva's scrapbook, make baked goods every day, become a pro photographer and be a stay at home mother all at the same time. First things first, I tell myself.

Today, I was a photographer. Wow, it's so fun to say that.

I had the privilege of taking 3-months portraits of our adorable little neighbor, Max! He's really a cute one! We spent 2 hours-talking, comforting, changing clothing, arranging backgrounds and, of course, snapping pictures that will hopefully be cherished forever. I loved it, and I really loved getting to know another neighbor on our street!

Here are some of my favorites from the session! (It's really hard to choose! You can see more of the work my husband and I have done at www.facebook.com/sigalaphotography)

Avia Baila

I know I haven't posted anything in awhile. I've been wracking my brain to think of something to follow the last post. How do you go from writing something so crazy to, "Today Ziva and I went to the Malcha Mall and met up with some of our best friends..." I guess the truth is, that's life. Something incredibly scary and dramatic can happen, but soon afterwards...you have to move on.

There is so much beauty in the world, that my husband and I can't help to be optimistic. I think that is part of the reason we like photography so much. It's a chance to share how we see the world.

Tuesday morning, I arranged my FIRST portrait session. I've been talking about getting into portraits for a long time, and I finally decided to take the plunge. My amazingly talented husband has been teaching me how to use the camera, sharing ideas with me and we actually watched an online photography class together. When I told him I might be interested in doing portraits and maybe assisting him at weddings, he was totally into it. I thought it was really cool of him to be so encouraging and excited, even though this has always been his thing. I think we could make a great duo!

We set up the shoot in our new living room. It worked out really well because we have 4 windows that let through the perfect natural light. I asked Yehoshua to set up an umbrella light just in case--- and to look more professional, of course. (We didn't end up using it at all!) I put Ziva's crib mattress on the floor against our cream colored wall. Then used a boppy pillow and blankets for the rest of the set up. The only technical thing I remember (I'm so not technical about photography yet) is that the ISO was 200, and that was possible because of the beautiful natural light we had. Yehoshua was home, so he was able to give me pointers and encourage me along! I was pretty nervous about how it would turn out!

Avia Baila Eidelshtein was born January 14, 2011 at 9 1/2 lbs, what a chub! This precious little girl has such a sweet and calm demeanor, unless she's hungry- then she knows how to scream for her food! I had fun hanging out with her mother, Sara, while I got to capture her newborn cuteness. Her Kiddush is this Shabbat, and we are looking forward to celebrating with the Eidelshtein Family and our new community!

Here are a few of my favorites from the shoot.

Attacked

Something scary happened. Like the kind of scary you hear about in stories but never happens to you. Let me preface this post with the fact and miracle that everyone, thank G-d, is OK.

We were exhausted from packing and getting ready to move this past Friday. So we decided to get take-out food for Shabbat, and since we didn't have much time, we decided to split up the errands. Yehoshua went with Ziva to get diapers and wipes, while I headed to the restaurant to select our Shabbat meals. There are very few times I have gone somewhere without Ziva, and I really wanted to do our errands all together, but it seemed to make the most sense.

Once I was out, I realized what a beautiful day it was. I was enjoying my walk, and on the way home I browsed through the Bezalel Art Fair. I was a couple minutes away from my house, when I decided to call Shua and ask him what else I should get for Shabbat. The line was busy, which I thought nothing of. I tried again, but then saw that he was calling me. On the other end, he was yelling in a frantic way that I had never heard before, "RIVKAH STAY AWAY FROM THE HOUSE, WE'VE BEEN ATTACKED." First thought was that there was a bomb in the building. He managed to sputter out a couple words about a psychotic man who tried to kidnap Ziva, and that the police were on their way. I heeled over in the middle of the street, crying and screaming. I didn't know what to do- there was nothing I could do, but stare at our apartment building in the distance. An English-speaking woman asked me what was wrong, told me to sit down and offered me water from her bottle. (I said no) I told her briefly what I knew, and then I got another call from Shua telling me that it was okay to come back. The nice woman and her daughter, brought me up the elevator and back to our apartment. I was so scared, but I didn't know what had happened exactly, so I started to calm down a little- knowing the two most precious people in my life were safe and locked in.

As soon as I saw Shua, my heart dropped. His arms were tightly wrapped around Ziva, crying and shaking, with a bruise around his eye. I started hugging them both immediately, hysterically crying with him. We cried and cried and cried. I felt helpless, that I should be doing something or that I should have done something. We kissed and hugged and cried, while I tried to nurse Ziva and make sure she was taken care of. I saw bruises and scratches on Shua's face. He put an bag of ice on his head, and I could only imagine the worst. I didn't know how anyone could hurt him, he's such a GOOD person. I didn't want to ask too soon what had happened... so as we sat there in tears, we thanked G-d that everything was okay. I kept saying, "I don't know what I would do with out you or Ziva, I'm sorry I wasn't there, I will never take you for granted, thank you for protecting our baby..."

So this is the story. A man buzzed himself into our building and came over to Shua and Ziva in the lobby. He tried to pick her up and said to her "Gila, it's your Abba." Shua was really confused, and told him not to touch her because "she wasn't feeling well." He got up and went into the elevator. As the door was closing this man pushed the door open and said to Shua, "ARE YOU OK?" At that point, he realized there was something very wrong with this man. The man followed them up to our apartment, peered in, and started to tell Shua that Ziva was not his daughter. He grabbed her arm. The moment he grabbed her arm, Shua pushed him against the wall. The fought down the hallway, and although Shua got in a couple good punches, the guy (bigger than him) managed to get him to the floor, pummeled him in the head and tried to poke his eyes out. Shua thinks that since he was headed towards the staircase, his goal was to throw him down the staircase. (Which is really, really far down) All Shua was focusing on was that he couldn't black out since little, sweet Ziva was in the hallway completely unattended. He tried yelling for someone to get the baby, for someone to call the police, but no one answered. For a split-second, the guy stopped, so Shua ran to Ziva, pushed the stroller in the apartment and slammed the door on his face.

It's hard to find the words to describe how incredibly scary this was. I keep replaying it in my head, as if I had been there. I can't believe this happened in the middle of the day. I can't believe this happened and no one helped. I can't believe this happened, period. Why G-d, please tell me why did we have to go through this? This was a HUGE wake-up call- giving me a stronger appreciation for life, and encouraging me to think... a lot.

We left the apartment for Shabbat. Thank G-d we had family friends who were more than happy to have us last minute. When we came back after wards, we quickly packed up the rest of our things since Sunday was our moving day. Now, we're here, and we couldn't feel safer or happier. This morning, after our cup of coffee, Shua, Ziva and I had an amazing dance party to the Black Eyed Peas. I think we might make it a tradition. I heard it's good to get your feet off the ground, reach towards the sky, and thank G-d for every moment.

Stylin' mama

Entering motherhood, I took a pretty laid-back approach. I wasn't the one researching every possible scenario of birth or reading up on styles of parenting. I just thought...whatever will be will be. Of course, there were some things I would never do, like co-sleeping. Yet, she's been sleeping in bed with me since her 2nd day of life. There were some things I really liked the idea of, such as natural births, baby wearing... Okay, I may seem like a hippie mama, but believe me, I'm far from a hippie. I love disposable diapers, I'm not against pacifiers, I use way too many plastic bags and if you catch me eating something organic...I'm probably at a friend's house. When it comes to raising Ziva, though, I found my method--- it's called my instincts! Every little soul needs it's own nurturing, and no one knows your own baby better than yourself. So I follow what's in my heart, double check to make sure it's safe and away we go. It's a journey.

I do find myself going against the grain of a lot of mainstream ideas on parenting. It's weird, since I kinda grew up taking what doctors say at face value. Leah, my close friend, mentioned that I might want to read the Dr. Sears book on Attachment Parenting. Honestly, I didn't read it cover to cover, but I did gain a lot of insight as to what Attachment Parenting is, and I'm really into it. Basically Attachment Parenting is about respecting your child's needs. "Attachment" is considered positive, with an ability to create a harmony between father/mother and baby. It is my feeling that establishing a strong bond with Ziva will help her in all areas of life and give her the confidence to be a healthy and independent person. I just don't think she needs to be independent at 7 months old. I realize that rocking or nursing her to sleep every night may mean that for the next couple years she may not sleep through the night. I realize that picking her up when she's fussy may mean we might be snuggling a lot more during the day. Some days are harder than others, and I do my best to be patient, kind and compassionate towards her. G-d is patient, kind and compassionate...and we're here to emulate Him. So I try.

I've come to peace, somewhat, with the fact that there are so many different ways to mother. I haven't yet met a mother that doesn't love her children with all her heart, and so I trust she must be following her own intuition. I respect others for their choices, just as I would want that kind of respect in return. I know it's hard for people to understand certain things, like the fact that we're waiting to vaccinate or that we're just not going to let her cry. It's also hard for me to understand when people make the opposite decisions, but I guess that's the beauty of differences. It doesn't mean we can't respect and learn from each other.

I just had to take a break to nurse Ziva back to sleep. She's had this cold for a couple weeks now, poor little thing! She can barely even nurse because it's hard for her to breathe through her nose while nursing. Just having me next to her helps her fall back asleep. G-d willing, she will feel better soon- everyday she gets better. She's the sweetest angel. I love the warmth of her snuggles and the distinct smell of her breath. As far as attachment goes, I think I'm more attached to her.

Hope everyone has a wonderful week, Shavuah Tov!

Our 2nd anniversary date

Thursday night was our 2nd year anniversary. Everyone keeps telling me how crazy that sounds, but in reality, I feel like I've known Yehoshua forever. Totally soul mates. It's really amazing when you can get to that point in your relationship where you feel super comfortable with the other person. Sometimes I'll say to him, "Do you think I would have ever done that while we were dating?" The answer is usually NO WAY. Although, he's assured me more than once he would have still married me in spite of all my embarrassing idiosyncrasies. When it comes down to it, the things that might annoy you about your spouse are most likely the things that you actually love the most. Like the fact that he never likes to waste things-- so he cleans out the ice cream containers or jelly jars. I used to wonder...WHY??? But now whenever I need to store leftovers, I'm overjoyed to have a sturdy, perfectly sized container to use. Go figure!

I've been anticipating this anniversary for months. I had decided that this was the day that I could try to leave Ziva with a babysitter for the first time. She's almost 7 months old, and she has never been with anyone else besides us. (Not even our parents, even though they've tried!) I asked my friend, Naama, to babysit nearly a month in advanced! I thought she would be perfect since she has such a calm and sweet demeanor, and I knew she already loved Ziva. I was so nervous that day, wondering how everything would pan out. I made sure to have pumped milk, extra clothing and pajamas laid out, diapers and wipes ready and of course a full page of instructions and emergency phone numbers.

It was such a weird feeling to be out with Yehoshua without Ziva. We held hands, laughed, walked around, I even threw on a pair of high heels! It was really fun. We went to get a smoothie before we went out to dinner, just because we felt funny entering the restaurant before 5 pm. (We went out from 4-8:30 so that we could put Ziva to sleep ourselves) We ended up going to one of our favorite places to eat here---RYU on Emek Refaim. They have really yummy Sushi and "Asian fusion" food. We literally ordered the whole menu- Salmon roll with caviar, spicy tuna tempura, beef dim sum, hot and sour soup, spicy schezuan beef, chicken/tofu pad thai. By the time we got the main entrees, we only picked at them and asked for them to go. In honor of our anniversary, they brought us one of their tapioca desserts. It was really delicious, and kind of inspired me to learn how to make tapioca. I remember seeing the tapioca pearls at the health food store on Agrippas.

We called Naama periodically through the night to check on our munchkin. It seemed like they were doing great, and I really wasn't too nervous. At one point, Ziva even fell asleep on Naama, which I thought was so sweet. Since she was sleeping, we took a little extra time to go grocery shopping for Shabbat. It was nice not having to be an entertainer and grocery shopper at the same time, and we got just about everything we needed for Shabbat. We wanted to make something easier---so we snagged my mother-in-law's recipe for her southern fried chicken! (With a salad and mashed potatoes) It turned out well!

When we got back, I couldn't stop smiling in the elevator, all I wanted to do was wrap my arms around Ziva! She came to the door to greet us, and she was so happy! I know I made a good choice about who watched over her. When Naama left, the most incredible thing happened. I was making a funny face while repeatedly saying "Chubby baby" to Ziva and she started laughing so hard, which made us laugh, and her laugh even more. We all literally stood there for over 5 minutes, laughing our heads off. Best anniversary present ever! Thanks Ziva! I thought to myself that I couldn't be happier!