Finding balance

I can't believe the summer is nearing an end- or I guess if I was in Minnesota, it would already be ended! It's been a good summer, but it has hardly felt like the vacation that we all look forward to when we're young. It's regular life, waking up at 7 in the morning and doing the motherly routine until 8 at night. I've been realizing how challenging it is to be a stay at home mother for an enthusiastic, curious, ever-changing toddler. One of the best things about being home with her is that I am able to see and appreciate every aspect of her blossoming personality and developments. So many times, Shua says, "Amazing, look at what Ziva can do!" and I go "Yeah, I know, she's been doing that for a couple days now." It's a comforting feeling to be that person for her.

Not to take away from the fact that it can be SUPER challenging at times. From sunlight to sunset, to be the one that is solely responsible for their learning, stimulation, meals, snacks, diapers, baths, appointments, play dates, exercise...along with housework on top of housework, can take a lot from you physically and emotionally. (Of course I'm not the only parent, my husband is incredibly helpful but he is at work at least 10 hours a day.) I think that for some mothers it is easier than for others. I'm not afraid to admit that sometimes it's hard for me, and I'll be daydreaming about full body massages and laying on the beach with a glass of wine in hand.

Some people laugh at this "What do you mean? You only have one kid! Just wait..." and other people say that the first child is always the hardest to adjust to. I'm just going to go with the flow, do my best and see how it goes. When it comes down it, there is no greater joy in being a parent, I just know it. Most of the day, my heart feels so full that I'm bursting with love. It's worth it beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Sunday was her first day of daycare. We decided to send her two mornings a week- to give her a new environment, other babes to play with and also time for me to get things accomplished. It's really wonderful because it's a small group of kids, so they get the attention they need. I'm hoping that it will be great place for her to learn and grow beyond what I can give her. I wasn't with her for the day, but she didn't cry at all when I left and when I came back she greeted me with tired, open arms. I'll take that as a good sign!

It was a little weird not having her in my care- I've only left her a few times since she's been born! As weird as it felt, it also felt amazing to have my space. I did some light housework, relaxed, visited a friend and even ate normally. I was so giddy, I felt like a teenager again as I picked up candy from the grocery store on the way home. My friend, Chaya, told me that I was like a different person! I could relax knowing that Ziva was in good hands, and JUST across the street from where we live. I now totally understand how important it is for mothers to take personal time- for sanity and to take care of ourselves. I'm only 22 years old, and I'm not about to let myself to become stressed and frumpy. For my husband, my baby and FOR ME.

I'm excited for this coming year, especially with my new-found appreciation for a healthy balance.

Ask (3 times) and you shall receive

Today I went to the mall with Ziva and my friend, Chany. I was super excited because there was a crazy sale at H&M...up to 70% off.

I learned a few things today.
1. I can't bring Ziva to the mall anymore- It was miserable for her except for the few moments of absolute elation- when I let her walk around and pretend she was totally independent (I love her wobble- she's really walking now!), when she very happily drank half of my smoothie and when we sat down for an enormous salad of everything you could imagine. Oh, and of course when she grabbed her favorite clothing off the shelves.
2. H&M in Israel has this weird European style OR my fashion sense is going completely out the window.
3. Shilav gives you a generous 14-day window to return anything, and well... I should have known that. (Story below)

I've been having a hard time buying baby clothes in Israel- actually any clothes for that matter. Most of the time, it's really cheap material, very expensive and it's hard to find the styles that I like and are comfortable. There are definitely exceptions (like the Renuar jean skirt I'm wearing now), but generally it's been tough. Yehoshua's work gave him a gift certificate to Shilav when Ziva was born, so I thought that I would just stock up on toys and maybe some necessities. When I went there, I saw this little jean jumper with a red, white and blue tank top attached, and I actually thought it was pretty cute. It was overpriced- like 130 NIS or something like that. It never fit Ziva. It was larger than her actual size but I think that it wasn't cut for her body type. (or maybe her Huggies diaper tush)

I bought it in April, and came back today to return it. Granted, it was a good amount of time later... may have been cutting it close to even the Target 90-day return policy. I didn't even think about that though! I saw the same line of clothing in the store, and since I still had the tags on the outfit and it was in perfect, new condition- I went to pick out what I wanted to exchange it for. I found super cute pink crib sheets and a blanket with a cupcake on it, and a ridiculously expensive bib ...getting Ziva a bib was long past due.

I came up to the register with a tired and kvetchy Ziva. The cashier was actually really sweet- he didn't scoff at my lack of Hebrew and honestly looked sad when he said, "But you bought this in April, I don't think you can exchange it," as he ran back to ask the manager if he could make an exception. He came back and sad "No, she won't allow it." I say, "Is there anything you could do?" So he brought me back to talk to her myself. She didn't even come out to me, I had to go to the warehouse/office area of the store.

Then this softly spoken Israeli with an amazing American accent succeeded in making me feel like crap. How could she look at Ziva's cute face and be so mean? She pretty much told me off with comments like "What were you thinking?" "WHY would you bring it back so late?" "We don't have to tell you our policy it's written right here on the tag." "I don't have to do anything for you." Blah blah blah. It sounds nicer than it felt. She decided to let me exchange it but only for clothing. I asked her why, since I had already chosen out what I wanted and would be spending at least 100 NIS over the outfit I was returning. "It makes a difference to me as a manager." Okay?

So I walk out to the clothing section...buy one get the second 1/2 off. Not bad. I thought maybe I'd get something for Ziva and something for the newborn baby boy upstairs. As I looked at the clothing, I felt tears coming to my eyes. Oh man, stop Rebecca...don't make this emotional! I literally held back from crying! Between the woman being so mean to me and the stitching I saw already coming off the 140 NIS dress, I was so upset. I also knew that I'd probably have to put the bedding back on the shelf, and I already had fallen in love with it. Be Israeli, be Israeli...go back...ask again... is there any chance she'd change her mind?

This time, she comes out to the floor. I wasn't Israeli at all. I didn't want to be rude back to her because I didn't think that would get me anywhere. I just wanted to be honest, and feed her ego a bit. "Listen, I really really appreciate that you are letting me exchange this outfit for full credit, but I honestly can't find any clothing I like. I found this bedding and bib, which my daughter really needs, and I will be spending more here if I buy this instead of just exchanging it for clothing." She babbled on about the policy and said that "in the future, I need to return it within 14 days..." annnnnnd "okay........finnnnee... I'll let you do it this time." I was SHOCKED! I hardly ever do things like that, and I can't believe I got what I wanted in the end.

I don't know what the moral is, but Target is awesome. I'm glad that I live in Israel, and something as simple as Target can be a novelty.

Life is simple?

There is something so awesome about simplicity. The other day, Yehoshua and I were going through e-mails we wrote to each other while we were dating, and I was shocked by how much I've changed in these past few years. The banter was silly, sweet, profound but the thing that stood out to me most was how free-spirited we were. The truth is that we were able to be carefree because we literally didn't have any responsibilities outside of ourselves. It was a nice feeling, I remember it clearly. Especially living in Tsfat, we were in our own world. A spiritual world that only spanned a couple miles yet reached far into our souls. I remember having so many remarkable epiphanies about my own life and life in general, about G-d, about relationships, about complicated things that turned out to actually be simple. It was nice being able to wake up and daven Shacharit on the roof that overlooked Meron with birds chirping and the mountain breeze dancing through my hair. It really was as dreamy as I am describing it. It was nice that my biggest worry was hardly a worry at all, and that anything I wanted was at my fingertips. On top of it all, we were head over heals in love- the kind of love that makes everything you eat taste better, puts a smile on your face as you drift off to sleep and makes your heart jump at the thought of each other. Everything is illuminated when you experience love in the purest form.

So we got married, and we didn't worry about anything. Love can conquer all, and even after everything we have gone through, I still believe that. I will always believe that. Who needs food when love can feed your soul? Okay okay, maybe I would have said that when we were in Tsfat, but now I would give that same girl a reality check. With marriage, comes responsibilities- bills, cooking, cleaning, more bills, big life decisions, moving, more bills, careers... and when your bundle of joy arrives, expect those responsibilities to triple. Between trying to make money, taking care of every physical and emotional need of a little baby and running a household- where is the time to connect? When can you think? When can you philosphise about life, lie in a park staring at the clouds, read a book in bed on a random morning or sit happily in captivating silence?

Shabbat gives us a taste of that kind of simplicity, a rare opportunity to leave our physicality a bit and connect with real people instead of computer screens and the stop the work that comes with our every day life. As parents, our responsibilities don't stop just because it's Shabbat, and we're lucky to get in our afternoon nap... between hosting guests, entertaining our kids, changing diapers, making sure they eat enough, sleep enough, interact nicely with their friends, etc. How can we truly appreciate the moment that were in and not worry about anything else but that moment? Like when Ziva giggles or dances, the feeling is amazing, I'm on top of the world- yet a second later, I'm thinking about the dishes in the sink, the phone calls I have to make, the appointments I've been putting off, how are we going to afford this or that, etc.

Although a carefree life is appealing, there is an underlying sadness to it. With no one to care for, life is lonely, way too easy and unrewarding. I wouldn't change my life for anything because I can't tell what kind of joy I have been blessed with. During my seminary year, I read the book the Garden of Emuna, Emuna meaning faith in G-d. It explains, with practical examples, how our faith in G-d can lead us to living an enriching and happy life. It sounds a little extreme, but without some form of Emuna, that kind of life is not possible. I have to remind myself that everything is for a reason, everything we need will come in due time, we're being taken care of and watched over, we can connect to G-d and we can influence our destiny. Contrary to popular belief, having faith in G-d is not the easy way out. In many ways, it's really very challenging to always see G-d in every situation, especially the hard ones.

I don't want to have to stop and smell the roses-I want to always smell them! I want life to be simple! I want to be eternally happy and stress-free... I wish we could hold hands and skip along a dirt path, smile with flirtatious glances and stop in the middle of the street just to dance or sing or be silly together.

I would love to hear ways that you all incorporate simplicity into our crazy lives. Where do you go and what do you do to attain your personal bliss?

Unconditional Love

The love you have for your children goes way beyond any idea of measurement. It is just so infinite that it becomes a part of you. Only now, after becoming a mother, can I understand the love our parents have for us. How heartbreaking must've it been for my mother to hear her teenager daughter scream "I HATE YOU" or how scary must've it been for my father when he called me a billion times at 3 in the morning, only to reach my voice mail? (My parents are going to love that I'm admitting this publicly.)

As I reach for Ziva's chubby little hands, I hope that she will always hold on tight. What do you mean there will be a day when she won't cry when I walk out the door? You mean that she isn't going to giggle when I kiss her or snuggle into my shoulder to fall asleep? At the risk of sounding overbearing and idealistic, I want so badly for her to really truly know how much her Abba and I love her. When I look around at my friends who have always had "healthy" relationships with their parents, even still- it's usually complicated.

I try to be aware of what about my personality is healthy and what needs to be worked on. Just because something is my life goal- doesn't mean it has to be the same for my children. Sometimes I think about hard questions. What if my children wanted to practice Judaism completely different than me? What if they wanted to move to a different country when they grow up? What if they see me for my flaws verses my strengths? Will they be proud of being Jewish and living in Israel? Will they have a connection to G-d and live a spiritual life?

Even though I know that my parents are proud of me in so many ways, I know that I chose a different path than they would've ever expected from me. I mean, my dad's speech at our wedding describes it perfectly, "You always want your daughter to marry a nice, Jewish boy, but be careful what you wish for!" I have to say, that while I appreciate his sense of humor, I also appreciate the fact that he has been supportive of the life that I chose to lead. It can't be easy to see your rebellious teenager turn religious and then become a wife and mother in 5 years. I love that my parents see the good in where we are in life. I love that when my mom is asked to go to a support group for "Parents of Religious Kids" she just remarks, "I have no problem with my daughter being religious, why would I go to that?" I love that my father makes it a point to say Good Shabbos with extra umpf and that he really enjoys my "Jewish cooking."

Growing up, I focused on wishing my parents did things differently. I now see that they have given me so much. I am their baby, just like Ziva is ours. I wonder who Ziva will become...what will her dreams and passions be? I can't wait to see that all unfold. The relationship I have with my own parents has taught me to be open-minded to what SHE wants out of life, not what I want for her. I think it's healthy that I can see that so early on- and that even though some things may be hard to accept, I have my parents as role models to be understanding and loving no matter what.

Ziva's turning one in just a little over a week, and it's so incredible how fast she is growing up. I can't imagine how hard each transition is going to be for us as parents. For goodness sakes, it's hard for me to start weaning her off of breastfeeding! Life is about change, how we will embrace the moments we have and how we will react to the next step. I'm pretty sure that I'll be an emotional wreck, but I know it will all be wonderful.

Our little Sephardi baby

I've taken comfort in the fact that a baby doesn't need any other nutrition but breast milk for the first year of their life. Truth be told, I was starting to feel discouraged because Ziva wasn't really eating any solids. (It's funny that my family honestly wanted her to eat steak at 4 months old!) We started giving her tastings of different fruits and vegetables when she was about 5 1/2- 6 months old. Though, we were lucky if she would eat half a jar of mashed fruit or some vegetables from our soup up until she was 9 months old. I really believe that it's not healthy to force anything in terms of milestones we'd like our children to achieve (every baby in their own time). So through my frustration, I smiled and laughed with her and definitely didn't feed her more if she started fussing too much.

Since Ziva wasn't really enjoying baby food most of the time, we started to give her food from our plate, and we realized she liked it much more! Seasonings... yum... And yes, I googled it. Apparently you're not supposed to add seasonings to their food until 12 months. I also have friends who would never give their baby food from a can, anything with preservatives, white flour, etc. I have come to peace with the idea that as long as it's fairly healthy, I know her body will be able to process the food well and it will help her along the road to eating full meals. Some things I do that are not so widely accepted: adding a little bit of salt and pepper to her scrambled eggs, a dash of cinnamon and sugar on her cooked apple, giving her vegetables from a dairy dish, tuna from a can, multi-grain cherrios... you get the idea.

I would never think of giving her "junk food." Okay, I take that back. We've wanted to give her ice cream for the longest time! We just enjoy it so much, we want to share it with her! Don't worry, we've resisted. I do kind of find it interesting that so many people in Israel give their baby Bamba. To me, that feels like junk food, PLUS I haven't given her any peanut butter yet as a precaution against the dangerous peanut allergy. As you can see, I'm not really one to judge. It makes me feel a little better that I know children have survived on much unhealthier food.

Lately she's been eating AND enjoying- scrambled eggs, carrots, sweet potatoes, tuna, crackers, challah, pasta, cherrios (Ziva loves carbs! Who doesn't?), tofu, salmon, brocolli, apples, pears, avocados, chummus, chicken and more! Something that really helped her start eating more was putting the pieces of food on her tray and letting her pick them up by herself. She liked the independence of it all. In the end, I guess it's better since I won't be spoon-feeding her for the rest of her life. Sometimes I'd like for her to just stay my sweet little baby, but I see this as my first parenting lesson of letting go! Meal time has become such an adventure for her, and I love to see her enjoying food in a similar way as we do. She honestly won't eat anything that resembles baby food. A couple weeks ago she touched a very ripe banana and got this disgusted look on her face! I think she didn't like the slimy texture. Yehoshua calls her our little Sephardi baby since she won't eat anything that's too plain. It's so amazing to see her personality and opinions unfold before us.

Murder of the Fogel Family

My body has literally been in pain since Saturday night when I heard about the horrific murder of 5 members of the Fogel family. I feel a loss in my heart that I've never felt before and an anger that I don't know will ever cease. This family very well could have been my neighbors, best friends or relatives. As far away as these people may feel to the rest of the world, they feel that much closer to me. Not only do we live in Israel, we also live in what is called the west bank.

The disgusting Arab terrorists who call themselves "Fatah Freedom Fighters" stabbed and slashed the throats of a a couple living in Itamar, Israel, along with three out of six of their young children- including a 3 MONTH OLD BABY IN HER SLEEP. How could anyone possibly kill a innocent, sweet baby? It makes me so sad, I've been crying every day. It makes me so mad, I want to scream. Being a mother, I look at my own baby and squeeze her a little tighter. I see the purity in her eyes and think of those children who deserved to live.

If you haven't already read, here is an excerpt from Israel National News,
"Between 22:20 and 22:30 the terrorists entered the house through the living room picture window, did not notice the 6-year-old boy sleeping on the couch and continued on to the bedroom where they slashed the throats of the father and newborn baby who were sleeping there. The mother came out of the bathroom and was stabbed on its threshold. The evidence shows that she tried to fight the terrorists.

They then slashed the throat of the 11-year old-son who was reading in bed. They did not notice the 2-year old asleep in his bed, but murdered the 3-year old with two stabs to his heart. After that, they locked the door, exited through the window and escaped."

See full story here

The 12 year old, who survived, came home to find her murdered family. I keep thinking about her reaction, that her heart must have flown from her body. How will she ever get past this? The three living children will never feel the warmth of their parents' arms wrapped around them. I can't imagine living with that kind of fear and deep sadness.

I keep reading news articles. Even though it hurts me so much, a part of me wants to feel it more-- as much as their living family members who shouldn't have to endure such pain. Even still, I've been trying to avoid the graphic pictures that the family allowed the press to release, although I did gaze over them. I shudder at the evil. As I browse online, there is a flow of Arabic conversation right outside my window. I can't help but wish people didn't employ Arabs in our very own community. I just heard them laughing- I wonder what they are laughing about. You never know who is good and who is not. The Fogels had just gone to bed after their Shabbat evening and they were murdered in their sleep. Something they never saw coming, no one ever sees these things coming.

I finally know what it's like to feel truly a part of this country. We exist with many tragedies, yet we rejoice in the miracles and EVERYTHING binds us together as brothers and sisters. I can't even relate with my family or friends back home about what happened. To them, it is a heart-breaking story and to me, it is so real- I feel it in every part of my being. I don't expect this to make headlines or for the world to feel compassion for us. It has never been that way for the Jewish people, and we've survived- basically.

So how should we respond to this? By building more Jewish homes. Yes! Shove it, Obama. By having more Jewish babies. Doing everything we can to move forward and be a splinter of light in this crazy world. There is no upbeat message in this, I'm sorry to say that I still feel like crying. I still feel like my life is upside down, and I'm living in a daze. I couldn't even answer the door tonight, I'm still in after-shock, and I'm admittedly a little scared. All I know is that I do not want peace with people who kill our precious babies. There are no excuses for this kind of violence, for this kind of hatred. THINK ABOUT IT! It has to be more than just, "we want your land." If you can slit the throat of a 3-month old, it's not about land, it's about hatred, it's about wanting Jews DEAD no matter where we are.

My prayers are with the Fogels- Udi, Ruth, Yoav (11 yrs), Elad (4 yrs), Hadas (3 months) who were murdered Kiddush Hashem (sanctifying G-d's name). All I see are your brilliant smiles, even from the pictures- your souls radiated. Your impression on my life will be everlasting, and I know you are all in a high and holy place. My heart is with the rest of your living family and the Jewish people. May we all find comfort in G-d and each other. May we let the love in our hearts prevail.

Dearest neighbors,

Dearest neighbors,

Thank you for being SO welcoming and sweet! We can't believe that we have not been alone for even ONE Shabbat meal since we've gotten here. Not only that, but thank you for the multiple car rides, helping us bring our oven and dryer to the new apartment, a space heater, baby acamol, picking up diapers, bringing over wine, brownies and full-on meals while we were unpacking, calling to make sure everything is going well and overall, just being awesome. We are endlessly thankful, and hope to be just as good neighbors for all of you.

Sincerely, Yehoshua, Rebecca and Ziva Sigala

That pretty much sums up how we feel about living in Efrat. We are really happy here, we couldn't ask for anything more... except, well...maybe not having to pay our 3,200 nis arnona bill for the past year in our Jerusalem apartment. (Which really has nothing to do with Efrat, I just need to vent a little...) It's really ridiculous, in my opinion- and they don't let you pay in payments. It's a really big blow right now, especially with all of the furniture we still need to buy for our new apartment. It's one thing to live out of your suitcases with a mattress on the floor when you are newlyweds, but with a baby, it's proving to be pretty difficult. I'm trying my best to focus on what's good, because THANK G-D, there is so much good right now. When you live in Israel, you know there are sacrifices~ you can't always have spirituality and physicality in abundance at the same time. While we are striving for a healthy balance of both, I guess it's only natural that there is a little bit of struggling involved. Today, for instance, would've been a really convenient time to own a car. We just ran out of diapers, Ziva was crying because her 3rd tooth is coming in, Shua was about to run to catch the bus to work, I was supposed to meet my friend Leah up the hill and it was POURING RAIN! Here I am, stuck in my apartment....Ziva fell asleep with a "cloth diaper" on (I made it out of burping cloths). Those are the times it gets discouraging, and I start to think of how nice it would be to feel comfortable financially. Most people in America wouldn't dream of talking about such things with their friends, let alone on a public blog--- but hey, I'm Israeli now, and I've found that when I'm more open and honest with people, I feel much more true to myself.

I'm trying to focus on the simple pleasures in life, and it really gives me a sense of serenity and a consciousness that Hashem will take care of everything for us.

Things I'm loving right now-
baking challah, making my daughter laugh, getting kisses from her, listening to the beautiful piano playing from upstairs, hot coffee, staying cozy inside while it's raining!

... I know that I always end my posts with a happy note. Sorry if it's annoyingly optimistic, but it's really how I feel after it's all said and done!